Just a few minutes earlier the room had seemed so hot I needed to blot my face from the excess sweat. But all of a sudden now I was wondering why it felt so cold I couldn’t stop shaking uncontrollably.
There were four of us on a panel at the recent International OCD Conference in DC sharing openly about our very personal lived experience of managing OCD and battling substance use and addiction. Our goal of the panel was not to promote any particular strategy in managing both, but to provide normalization and hope for people who struggle in an effort to communicate they are not alone. Substance use and addiction are very common for individuals living with OCD and mental illness in general. The shame, guilt, and embarrassment around it can be almost as debilitating as the tormenting battle. Our primary goal of the panel was to help others know they are not alone in their struggle and to give hope by relieving the shameful emotions surrounding it by sharing our stories.
Unbeknownst to us, a few members of our audience had a different agenda.
Each panelist shared a personal, long-time bottled up account of how difficult it has been living in silence with substance use on top of OCD and what we do to manage it. It was the first time each one of us has been so honest and open publicly. I cried through my story because of the shame and guilt expressing it unleashed from being pent up through the years. After sharing, I felt exhausted but relieved to finally get it in the open in an effort to begin healing from the shame.
Each of us talked about how we still struggle and discussed briefly about the tactics we use to manage our substance use disorder. I talked about a strategy I use called ‘harm reduction’ in managing my substance use when things get out of hand. It is an evidence-based strategy to reduce the harm I inflict on myself or others. It has worked well for me.
But in talking about our strategies instead of only promoting sobriety, a few members of the audience did not agree and were determined to put us in our place. There are many mindsets when it comes to what people ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do when it comes to treating substance use/addiction and even mental illness. While there are many strategies individuals can implement in their own recovery, some people simply believe their way is the ONLY way. Some people believe their story is the ONLY story. And they also may believe if others don’t follow their path, they should be shamed. Those were the type of people who wanted to make their voices heard loud and clear at our panel. And we were blindsided.
Within the first four questions/comments stated as we opened up the floor, three people completely shamed all of us for not promoting sobriety even though our panel description clearly did not indicate we were promoting any type of strategy for recovery. One lady went as far as to say that sharing our stories was ‘detrimental’ to people’s recovery. Another questioned whether we could even be in recovery from OCD if we still drank alcohol. And a third lady shamed us in a scolding and condescending way. While each of us kept our feedback professional and calm, I could see it on each my panelist’s faces the shame and fear building up inside them.
It was then I suddenly started feeling as if someone had placed me in a freezer. I was quivering to the point where I had to rub my arms in an effort to warm up. The room felt as if it were fading and all I could think of was getting out of there to warm up. We could see many audience members looking at the ‘shamers’ in disbelief, but as time quickly ran out, we found it impossible to let all the people wanting to comment have the microphone. And as the time ticked to the end, my tunnel vision wanted me out of that room, and just before leaving I looked at my co-presenters faces knowing the damage had been done.
Afterward, two of the ladies stuck around to drive their shame home to us face to face, but I got out of there as quickly as possible seeking somewhere to try and warm up. I went to my next presentation barely capable of focusing from how torn down I felt.
After my next presentation, I sought out my panelists to process the deflation we had just endured. I found two of them on the main hotel patio outside in the heat of the DC summer. One of them was in tears out of shame and the other was just silent and angry in disbelief. As we began reliving the events, I wondered why I suddenly felt so cold I began shivering again. It was pushing 90 degrees and I began shaking from the inside-out so drastically I could barely breathe. As we walked inside the hotel, I excused myself to the bathroom and realized I wasn’t cold, I was having a trauma response to what had happened. My body couldn’t process or handle the powerful emotions arising from the shocking turn of events and every time I tried to revisit it, I would begin shaking with an overwhelming feeling of needing to escape.
Once I realized the reality of what was happening, the floodgate of tears broke open. I had been so vulnerable on that panel for the first time in my life. I put all my demons center stage I had burrowed inside me for decades. All I wanted was to let people know they are not alone and in feeling that normalization the possibility of hope would be born. That was what I wanted. And the first three responses I received from taking such a risk was I ‘should’ feel ashamed. Never in a million years had I expected that response. It was salt on a raw and painful wound. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t move past it.
Then something bizarre happened. I realized I couldn’t handle the simple idea of just being traumatized by something so deeply without needing to justify it’s effect outside of the emotion. So, I found myself looking for an excuse to why I was so emotional. There must be a reason? It can’t just be my feelings are valid? It has to be something else. I don’t deserve to feel this deeply and be this hurt, I must have done something to cause it!
I hadn’t had any alcohol to drink but I found myself wishing I was drunk so I could blame this emotion on the alcohol. That wasn’t possible, though. My brain then reasoned, well okay if this isn’t alcohol, then maybe I’m just hormonal. Am I having PMS? Nope, that wasn’t possible either. Okay then, maybe I’m just exaggerating or being dramatic and can’t handle emotion. But I reflected on how devastated my co-presenters were as well and I knew it was valid for all of us to feel this way.
I couldn’t excuse myself out of why I felt this way, and I didn’t know how to face the possibility that these were real, justifiable, and valid emotions.
I felt confused, sad, and enlightened all at once. Have I never let myself just feel and given myself permission to without an excuse? What a disservice I have done to myself by not giving myself compassion or love when I feel so deeply. And finally, how eye-opening and wonderful that I am learning such a huge lesson about myself at the expense of such a traumatic experience.
I have always had a love-hate relationship with my emotions. I feel things so damn deeply at times it often feels as though I can’t exert control over them when they are full fledged. And all the times when inability to control them became problematic have dictated a great deal of shame and embarrassment about being a person who experiences deep emotions. It never occurred to me I don’t just give myself permission to feel freely and validate those feelings until this happened. Maybe this has been a huge block for me in being able to accept and love who I am. I felt sadness in not knowing how long I have treated myself this way. And it made me curious as to where this behavior has manifested from and why.
While I look forward to exploring where this behavior has come from whether a nurtured or taught response, a result of my experience with mental illness, or just a learned or survival behavior, one thing I know for sure is it is a missing key piece in the daily journey I embark on in learning to love and accept myself. In always searching for a external reason why I feel the way I do, I am only perpetuating the internal shame about who I am and how I feel. I have always struggled with self-esteem and my desired need to be validated and I believe this was a huge clue in unraveling that struggle. A clue I foresee as painful and exciting in discovering its origin. I look forward to the journey.
There are two things I want to leave with you in this blog. First, if you are struggling with substance use/addiction with or without a mental illness, you are NOT alone. You do NOT have to feel shame. You do NOT have to listen to people who shame you. Recovery is fluid, recovery is a journey, and recovery is individual. One person’s recovery does not dictate another persons. Whatever you are dealing with, there is hope and never stop fighting back. Recovery is possible for anyone.
Secondly, I wanted to pose a question about your own validation around your feelings. Do you give yourself permission to feel? Do you allow yourself to hurt? Do you validate yourself when you do? If you don’t, I hope you found through this blog you are not alone and it is never too late to start practicing self-love and self-compassion. I am making it a goal to explore these very questions and embarking on that important journey of learning to love myself more deeply. I sure hope you will too.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
Chrissie Hodges
Certified Peer Support Specialist; OCD Referral & Resource Consultant;
Author of ‘Pure OCD: The Invisible Side of Obsessive Compulsive
Disorder’